One thing, in life – we only need one good thing in life – and that is good constructive feedback.
What if that is so – have you thought of why?
Why do you want to give – erase that (want) – why do you NEED to give the feedback:
– Subjective (deeply personal) frustration based – you feel so frustrated you just need to say, empthy – it on the other? What good does that – the other?
– Subjective objective (deep personal – that is hidden behind neutrality) frustration based – you feel you have to tell the person – because you feel this, what you are giving feedback on – from your perspective (feelings) are not ok PROFESSIONALLY. So – you did it – emptying yourself- got rid off the feeling of frustration towards the other person-situation – what good did it do?
Well – both of these was good to you – catharsis – out of you mind. Kind of. Great – now fuck off – if that is how you think feedback should be – started from
What if – just a thought; Feed back – is about – giving a necessary (seen from your perspective) gift | for the “other part to decide what to do with / use for”;
– Objective (actual objective – based on “data” – example the customer is saying this is not good enough, because – and then you have to do something.
– Subjective (I feel the way you behaved towards me – was not ok).
– Or – I don’t know – this is – a reflection post
Paying some suggestions forward
Here are then some SPECIFIC (just as examples) thoughts on what could be important giving and getting feedback – starting with the universal platform example:
THIS – give + get/recive + platform for starting – feedbacking:
could be a good start establishing a whole feedback-culture in your group of people/team/organization, or?
SUPERSHORT and simplified – what to reflect on BEFORE you start | give or recive – feedback:
UNIVERSAL feedback platform – start
Here are some EXTENDE THOUGTS - reflections on – “Universal start – for feedback”
Before you think about – giving the gift of feedback to someone – concentrate on yourself, and your starting point, are you able to be;
- Deliberate calm – stress makes you dumb, potentially drives you into defence…
- Focused on the now (I want to focus on giving feedback to x |
- Why do you feel feedback is important? (read the part over again)…
- What should the result (from your perspective) be – come?
- Am I willing to go into the process of giving – follow up – support x on the way?
- How much time can I set a side – and set a plan (your thoughts – should be aligned with the other person)
- Time from x`s side
One potential “real why” could be that it might be better than the status quo, to change, improve on something
STARTS with do you really feel – for this – process?
= do you have REAL empathic concern – as in – do you actually care about the person you give feedback to | so it could actually be about OFFERING it – .. but that is a completely different post, I guess
OK – STARTING POINT example – universal example of it (starting point)
Some other universal reflection points for starting – deciding on feedback, is;
- Time – as is there enough time, to give it
- Time – as in, a) not to distant or, b) too close – to the “thing you give feedback on”
- Place – neutral – so place is not adding or subtracting energy in the conversation
- Topic – specific
- Feeling – what does this feel like = PERSPECTIVATE | Perspectivate is the reflection on – can we optimize the aligned experience, through open questions – where you – the two parts in the feedback situation – are, one and one, then each others, agreeing on some kind of common ground to start from – or are there even more, other perspectives possible?
- Openness, willingness, curiosity
AND all of this is BEFORE you even opened your mind – that you have reflected upon these things
THEN – there are two sides of feedback – some reflections on
- Give
- Get – receive
= the coin of feed backing
Give feedback – super short reflections on the bullet points
OPEN start – you have “fixed” the starting point – have time and place and both are deliberate calm – and open for what`s coming:
Open start – is then about how you open the start conversation up – with OPEN questions – for growing awareness from your side if this topic – is anywhere near focus and awareness for the other person.
Open questions are a super-tool for getting to understand what is on the other persons mind, focus – of importance.
What is on your mind – is my coaching starting point – for – preparing for a good conversation – clean up (before start).
SPECIFIC – is about coming towards a specific conversation CONTENT – as in why – what – how
BEGINNING with – the core habit tool for giving and receiving feedback – PERSPECTIVATION
PERSPECTIVATION is about being able to see things from more than your own perspective – I call this the EMPATHY part of feedbacking –
And EMPATHY IS KEY (for me – at least)
There are then 3 part of empathy to be aware of
EMPATHY perspective – aspect 1 emotional empathy:
Emotions – empathy is about emotions – which ones. What is the situation – what emotions are in play.
STRESS is the starting point of emotions – in many ways. You could say (I am saying this as a starting point in my book The Iceberg) where the focus – is
Existence it self – starts with being aware and understand that emotions are always right. As in – they are.
Emotions are not to be fought – but should be understood (if possible) – and controlled as much as possible. The starting of emotions is – control or not. Meaning – if you are thinking about your emotions – you should have focus on SIGNAL. What signal is the emotional response I feel now – coming from. As in – what is it my emotions are trying to signal – tell me – to be aware of?
Typically emotions are about – feeling of – some kind of importance. If you are emotional about something I suggest this is about you having an awareness of something that is important to me. It can be frustration – anger – happy – doubt – endless options here, POINT is. Emotions should not run off with you.
When I read the book from Victor Frankl (holocaust survival) he wrote in his, what I understood like this – between response and stimuli there is a place | this place between something happening (emotion) and you doing something (reaction) there is a place – you have a choice – IF you are able of being deliberate calmer, when things “happen around you”.
TOOL suggestion – check back or what C. Duhigg call “looping for understanding” | here is a 1 short video explaining this:
Cogntive Empathy is 2. Aspect, perspective on EMPATHY:
How do you think – how did you get there (is my fauvorite question) trying to get a focus on process – thinking process – using a process awareness question. Cognitive empathy is to try to understand how and what the other person is thinking – in order to place yourlself and the other person – related to each other. This meaning – when you think like this – and I think like this – and we are able to understand one another.
Tool suggestion – use the question of “how did you get there – to this conclusion, idea, thought, suggestion?
Tool 2 – process – understand how the other person is thinking – and which conversation type the other person is having. There are at least three kinds of conversation examples – again – Duhigg suggested
- Practical – trying to understand – and suggest potential solutions | help me
- Emotional – feeling something – and wanting to be seen and understood | feel me
- Social – I want to be seen and respected as a person | see me
- Empathy THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THE 3 KINDS – FROM MY PERSPECTIVE is then about
3 Empathic CONCERN – that you actually care about the other person.
Most people have – as I started with – different perspectives, reasons for – coming with feedback, see the start for more.
Be honest – do you actually care – IF SO – share the why – as in – this situation makes me feel…
WHY – are we here – is the starting point of WHAT
WHAT
– is going on,
– what is the focus for you
– what are the other persons thoughts on this..
What are we talking about here
HOW is then – about moving from the NOW towards the potentially better (improved) situation
How are the other persons thoughts and explanations – excuses (they actually are good – many of them)
How – as in – which potential options are there for improving
Grow awareness – for both parties – in the conversation is the goal of this part
PLAN = Set a plan – from an aligned starting point – this is the situation of now
This is the where – we want to grow – the feedback is then
HOW – as staircase between now – and potential.
And then – in the end of the first meeting | FOLLOW UP routine – setting it up – how step by step – is going to be followed up
Receiving feedback
Willing to receive feedback – is simply about ACTING the words you say – when I ask you – do you want, can I give – you some feedback?
And you answer – yes
But are
Looking away – scared – stop talking – start being uneasy – we can see you not wanting feedback – if that is so – you know!
Being willing is about being
CURIOUS
What is this – this is interesting – this is a gift – if only that was more peoples attitude..
In action
As in BE QUIET
As in be as quiet and listen as much as you can, want – is possible. Do check back – loop for understanding = do active listening, when you feel there is no other way..
COLLECT
Collect is about the simplest thing – that for many people is SO hard, hand write on paper. NO I do not want to hear all the excuses that you only use electronics – I
I don’t want to hear is – demonstrate that you are willing to listen – with respect – as in writing down by hand
While you do that – your brain already started the most important thing in the given situation
REFLECT
Reflect – inside your own brain in silence, is simply put TAKE TIME TO THINK.
But shut up.
Now – we are slowly coming to an end – which means
Landing is about check-back – if this is what you understood so far – is this right, was this the point, what is your thoughts (hold hold hold it back!!!)
Do not defend yourself – do not explain yourself – SHUT UP
Now – this is the most important part of growing feed-backing habits
Set up a follow up – and do
Follow up – but | more than anything – thank you!! Habits grows from – feeling good:-D
Growing a habit – growing a culture (group habit) – growing TAKES TIME, take it – time, and think.
What did we forget – did you forget the point – that feedback is for THE OTHER PART – NOT YOU!!